A long time ago, in a middle school that isn’t that far away, I auditioned for the school band.  They tried me on every instrument they could drag forth and I clicked with the trumpet.  So, for many years, it was me and a silver King 501 with pearl-inlaid piston valves and a brass mute.  I polished her constantly and kept her safely cocooned in black velvet when she wasn’t in my hands.  I never named her and now she gathers dust in the closet, still in her black velvet, asleep.  The kids don’t play.  Someday, I’ll find someone who will love her more than I could.

But, of all the things to come out of band, it was what we did after school.  A girl named Karen or a guy named Todd would get on the piano, a sweet black baby grand that sat in one corner of the round, carpeted space and the rest of us would pick up our instruments or set them down, as we wished, and we’d just play.  One day, during this free musical gathering, I offered up – out of a desire to be liked, I admit – the family’s version of the Christmas Carol: “Fractured Christmas Carols”.  Wherein, we would take a beloved chestnut, change the lyrics to suit our whim, and butcher the hell out of it.

A few years ago, I recalled this particular memory while I was playing Mass Effect 2.  Moridin sang some Gilbert & Sullivan and that is where this little nugget comes from.  I have another one, I’ll post it, too, by itself.  But, for now, and here, there’s this little gem.



Modern Internet Asshole

By: S.L. Minton

I am the very model of an asshole on the Internet

I know it all and I’ll tell you, I simply haven’t started yet;

I’ve information so sublime and some of it is topical

And if you disagree with me, my insults are methodical.

I’m very well acquainted, too, with comment section etiquette,

I’ll use it to advantage with my thinly veiled, aesthetic wit,

About my superiority, which I will loudly proclaim

With cheerful insults to your mother that will leave you all aflame.

    As you can see, that’s only the first part.  I’ve never felt a need to go farther than that with it – it kinda sums it all up.  Like it, hate it, hey, whatever but don’t tell me it’s a little on the nose because I am already well aware.  Thanks.  😉



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